Over and over again I contemplated writing this. Would it be too personal? Would it make people uncomfortable? Is it really necessary to share some of the most personal, intimate, details of my life? These were the three questions that ran through my mind over and over again before I finally opened my computer to write. I began to think to myself how sometimes we as Christians without even knowing it underestimate the power of God’s grace by choosing to hide the not so perfect parts of our lives. When we choose to hide the not so perfect moments of our lives we unconsciously deny the power of what Jesus did on the cross. We unconsciously allow ourselves to become victims of shame and guilt. We unconsciously, without even saying a word communicate to others that what Jesus did on the cross wasn’t powerful enough to deliver and rescue them from the not so perfect moments of their lives. When we as Christians tell our story of how God delivered us, we tell others that if God can do that for me, He can do that for you too! All it took was for me to think about the young girl or the woman who’s constantly giving her body away at the expense of feeling loved and wanted, for me to suck up my selfishness and write. I was reminded of the reason I started my blog…to inspire, motivate, and encourage, but most importantly to place the love of Jesus on display!
So if you’re the young girl or the woman that I was inspired to share my story for, I pray that after reading you’re inspired, motivated, encouraged, and that you begin to see just how much Jesus loves you.
I still remember it like it was yesterday. It was seven years ago. I was 20 years old, unmarried, a Christian and surprisingly in bondage to sex. There I was on the edge of the bed, covering myself with a sheet, and trying to do the best I could to hide the fact that tears were streaming down my face. Before this moment I remember promising God that I would never place myself in this position ever again and here I was AGAIN! Why was I here again? Why did I allow myself to fall victim to this again? Why was I crying? I mean who cries after sex? I couldn’t even begin to answer any of these questions. All I know is I felt incredibly empty, disappointed, and cheated. I felt cheated because I thought this time would be different. I thought that afterwards I would some how feel more whole, loved, and secure. Why did I believe that? When every single time I did it I felt NOTHING like I wanted to feel. Instead of feeling more whole, I felt even more broken than before. Instead of feeling more loved I felt ashamed and unworthy of love. Instead of feeling secure I felt even more insecure. To me it was unfair. I would often hear other women talk about how great sex was and how it made them feel afterwards but for me, it was different! I didn’t feel great. I didn’t feel confident. I didn’t feel like superwoman. Sex made me feel worse and worse every single time I did it.
This wasn’t the way that it was suppose to be I often thought to myself. How come when I looked at movies sex looked romantic, and fulfilling? How come it seemed like the most satisfying thing in the world but every time I did it I felt unsatisfied? How come each time I did it I felt like another part of me was being ripped away? I never quite understood it. Even though it made me feel bad about myself why did I just have to have it ALL THE TIME when I knew God created sex for marriage? I never quite understood it. In fact it took me years of going through the same exact cycle of regret, shame, guilt, and feeling bad about myself before I finally figured out that SEX COULDN’T HEAL MY BROKENNESS! My issue wasn’t sex, my issue was brokenness. Brokenness was the reason why even after sex that night I sat on the edge of the bed crying. Brokenness was the reason why the only time I felt beautiful, wanted, or loved was when I was giving my body away. Brokenness was the thing that made me believe that sex was the answer. Brokenness was the thing that made me think that more sex would make me feel better about myself. Because I was broken, no matter how many times I turned to sex, it was NEVER enough.
Something was missing! After a while I just got tired of trying to heal my self. Healing my self was just too much for me. Every time I tried, I ended up being even more broken than before. I got tired of crying, I got tired of feeling ashamed, I got tired of breaking my promises to God. I turned to the ONLY one who could heal my brokenness. The ONLY one who loved me enough to die for me. The ONLY one who even when I was laying on my back giving my body away STILL whispered in my ear that He loved me. The ONLY one who could take my broken pieces and put me back together again. I placed my brokenness in the hands of the master builder. The one who could take my not so perfect moments and turn them into something beautiful, inspiring, and glorious! I turned to JESUS!
Today I want to encourage you to give your brokenness to JESUS! Allow Him to put you back together again. Allow Him to deliver you. Allow Him to rescue you. Allow Him to love you. When sex doesn’t work, when people disappoint you, when you feel alone there’s a savior who’s waiting to give you everything that you’ve ever needed! Choose Jesus over the constant cycle of shame, guilt, regret, and insecurity!
JESUS LOVES YOU SO MUCH!
If you’re a woman who, like me, struggled with brokenness share your story below. Lets use our stories to deliver someone else. There’s someone depending you!
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